The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

The year I learned that Christmas did not, in fact, originate as a celebration of my amazing ability to temporarily transform into a "good" child for a few weeks was the year my grandparents took me to see their church's nativity play.  My dad's parents were heavily involved in their church and felt that, at six years old, it was time that I start appreciating the miracle of Jesus instead of using Christmas as an excuse to whore out my integrity for presents.  Even though my parents weren't religious, they let me go to the play because it was important to my grandparents.

From my grandparents' flowery explanation and frequent use of the word "miracle," I went in expecting to be blown away by the production. Unfortunately, the church moms and the pathetic excuses for actors that they called their offspring failed to bring the characters to life in the way I had hoped.  And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene.



I could see that the story had potential, but I was deeply disappointed by the whole experience.


By the time my grandparents dropped me off at home, I had convinced myself that I needed to take matters into my own hands and reinvent the birth of Christ so that it conformed to my expectations. My parents and I lived with my maternal grandmother and my aunt, so I would have more than enough talent to work with - all I had to do was create a compelling story line.

I walked through my front door with purpose and gathered my family members in the living room to tell them about my vision. I was going to rewrite the birth of Jesus Christ and I was going to make it POP.

My mom, always wanting to nurture my creative side, agreed on behalf of everyone that we should go forward with the production. I would be playing the part of Mary and my dad would be Joseph. My aunt and my grandma would play the wise men. My mom would be filming. The dogs were slated to play the animals in the manger, but they kept trying to chew the eyes off of the doll I'd chosen to play Jesus, so their parts were cut and they were relegated to the bedroom for the duration of the production.

Once I had assigned everyone their parts, we set about the task of gathering costumes and props. Joseph was outfitted in a brown bath robe and Mary wore a blue blanket over her head like a cloak. The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies.


I felt that the struggles of my character, Mary, needed to be emphasized. The audience really needed to understand that she was suffering. I constructed my costume accordingly.


By the time I was done reinventing her, Mary carried a cane, walked with an exaggerated limp and was completely covered in BandAids.


She was also blind.

The first scene opened with Mary and Joseph walking across the desert in search of shelter. I took my dad's hand and slowly paraded around the house, making a big show of being horribly disabled.


I was slightly annoyed when my dad broke character to ask my mom if she put the leftovers in the refrigerator, but I tried to work around the interruption and carry on. I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others.

I had never been more serious about anything in my little life.  I ad-libbed my lines with the greatest sincerity, pausing after each one to let the weight of my plight sink in.


Every now and then, I would pause my dramatic musings and make my dad knock on a door and ask "Is there room at the inn?" At which point, my mother's disembodied voice would say "I'm sorry. There is no room at the inn." And then I'd make my dad feign complete outrage at the detached voice.

Me: "Now yell at the innkeeper!"

My Dad: "Arrggghhhh!"

Me: "No, Dad! Actually yell words at him!"

My Dad: "You... innkeeper! You dirty innkeeper!"

Me: "Do it better than that."

My Dad: "Oh, I'll... I'll show you, you rascally innkeeper!"

Me: "NO! You aren't saying it mean enough."

My Dad: "How do I say it mean enough?"

Me: "Say 'I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you!'"

My Dad: "I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you."

Me: "Louder."

My Dad: "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND FEED THEM TO A MONSTER AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Working with my family was turning out to be more of a struggle than I had anticipated.  They seemed to be actually looking for opportunities to derail my theatrical masterpiece.

Once we had cycled through knocking on every door in the house in much the same fashion, I went back to the first door and started the process over. At some point in this endless litany of repetitive scenes, my mom interrupted to try to get things moving a little faster.


My mother didn't seem to understand how serious I was about my part.  Fortunately, I got bored with the scene well before I'd gotten around to reenacting it a million times.

It was finally time for Jesus to be born. Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there.


The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

They stumbled into the living room, still clutching half-full glasses of vodka which they hadn't had time to pour orange juice into, and yelled, as if the baby Jesus were partially deaf or mentally challenged "HELLO JESUS. WE COME BEARING GIFTS."

Grandma: "Wait, where are the gifts?"

Aunt: "Didn't you bring them? We were supposed to bring gold, frankincense and that other one." 

Grandma: "I thought you were going to bring them."

Aunt: "I was busy keeping my eye on that star and trying not to get us lost. You were on gold, frankincense and whatever duty."

Grandma: "Well, I was brushing the camels."

Aunt: "You aren't supposed to brush camels." 

Grandma: "You don't know that. Have you ever owned a camel?"

Aunt: "Of course. I'm a wise man. I know all there is to know about camels."

Grandma: "Well, then you should know that camels need to be brushed. A lot."

Aunt: (skeptical silence).

Grandma: "Well, I guess we don't have any gifts after all. Sorry Jesus."

I was not happy. I ordered them to go find some gifts for Jesus.

They scavenged around the living room for a few minutes and then returned bearing a pack of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape.


Aunt: "We're back! And we have the gifts!"

Grandma: "They are specially imported from distant lands."

The gifts were most definitely not imported from distant lands. I had just seen my aunt and grandmother pick them up off of the floor, seemingly at random.  Their inattention to detail infuriated me. They weren't even trying to make the play seem realistic.  They were sabotaging my monumental production with their lazy, unrealistic props.

Me: "Jesus doesn't want those things."

Grandma: "Sure he does. Jesus loves Kenny Loggins."

Me: "No. He hates him."

My dire seriousness only served to fuel their desire to toy with me.

Aunt: "No, no, no. Jesus was a huge Kenny Loggins fan."

Grandma: "It's true. I saw it in the Bible once."

Me: "Grandma, Kenny Loggins wasn't even alive back then."

Grandma: "Oh yes he was.  Kenny Loggins is immortal."

They both burst into raucous laughter.  They thought they were being awfully clever.  Apparently my mom and dad thought so too, because they joined in.


At that point, they were all laughing too hard to clearly impart any further knowledge of Kenny Loggins.

I looked at them, strewn about the room; contorted with laughter over their own stupid jokes.


They were a disgrace.  They had somehow managed to take my moment in the spotlight and irreversibly derail it until it was entirely about Kenny Loggins. This was supposed to be MY moment, not Kenny Loggins' moment. It was so unfair. They were ruining my life.


I couldn't contain my fury any longer.


An unforeseen plot twist arose when, in a final attempt to jar my family into cooperation, I cast the baby Jesus to the ground and began to repeatedly bludgeon him with my cane.

Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable.


My grandmother tried to intervene. 


For a moment, it seemed as though my outburst had succeeded in bringing my family back into a more serious mindset. But after a few moments of tense silence, my aunt quietly squeaked "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

It was over.  Any hope I had ever had of getting my family members to act out their parts with integrity was shattered.  They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room. 


I didn't want to spend any more time around these horrible, undignified people anyway, so I stomped away to my room where I could reenact the play with a more cooperative cast.


I still hold a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins.  

1,494 comments:

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Xoe said...

I check your blog pretty much every day, and have been sad it doesn't update very often, but I know you have a life besides making me laugh to tears, so I forgive you. :P

But really, your posts always make my day, you are hilarious!

Boppie said...

Your version of this story is MUCH better than that dry, dusty one they've been pushing on us all these years. I mean, of course the wide men were drunk - what else is there to do in a desert?
Merry Christmas!

S said...

I was having the worst night and someone posted this blog on FB. I have not stopped laughing for 10 minutes! THANK YOU!

Melissa L. said...

Yay! Merry Christmas to us! Thanks Ali!

Marie Nicole said...

...and how did you not get struck down by lightning when you started whacking your pretend baby Jesus? Something tells me that either:
a- Baby Jesus doesn't exist
or
b- Kenny Loggins is a collective made up person just as Baby Jesus is (or was?)

www.noreallyitsnotme.blogspot.com

Shandle said...

I like your version so much better. And now, I kind of hate Kenny Loggins. I think you may have missed your calling as a playwright. You could totally be the next Shakespeare...or even James Cameron!

zeldagwendolyn said...

Brilliance! Best pre-Christmas gift ever!
Merry Christmas! May yours be filled with more cooperative thespians and less Kenny Loggins. :)

Rachel said...

Hells yes a new post!!!!!! I check every day for a new one. My sister texted me and told me there was a new one, and I rushed to the comp to read it. HILARIOUS!!!!

Mrs. F said...

Such a lot of work on this post and so funny! Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Reed said...

but can kenny loggins beat chick norris? and if they meet what happens?!?!?

The unstoppable force meets the immovable object...

Me said...

I loved it all...it was amazing. I feel like I have a hanger in my mouth.

Wendek said...

Hey, one question just arose in my mind (it's 1:40 AM here, remember it 10 seconds after reading said question) : why is the sun still sad in the banner, eventhough it's a "festive edition" and all other characters are enjoying themselves?

Lilly said...

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. EVER

Haven said...

Wait, that's not how Christmas happened? Damn you Kenny Loggins, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!

Best Xmas story ever =)

Anonymous said...

Well, that about does it; I'm officially inspired. The laughter you bring into my life and that of my friends here is something worth exploring, so I'ma go have a stab at it and see if I can't spin my own brand of the kind of joy you spread, miss Allie. If you're ever bored and feel like popping in, it'll be at thepeninthestone.blogspot.com. Just know that while it was an old friend popping in and asking me to start one with her that moved me to create it, it's definitely the shining light of your spirit that is helping me to love doing it. :-D

- Adrian

Kathleen Richardson said...

LOL! (pause, trying to catch breath) LOL! Merry Christmas, Allie.

Dan said...

Handsdown best nativity performance ever. You are a genius!

Unknown said...

This was awesome. Merry Christmas to all of us.

(By the way? People who comment just to be first without reading the content need to collectively get lives. I'm just sayin'.)

Anonymous said...

Okay I laughed so hard I nearly peed and definitely cried. I hurt all over and it's clearly Kenny Loggins' fault! Thanks for a great post; it was worth the wait. Merry Christmas!

Biohazard said...

You are amazingly funny, LOL! Great job. And have a merry, Kenny Loggins free Christmas!

Allison said...

A wonderful memory of all the dysfuctional holidays I ever had...you're the best!

Shelby said...

OH GOD

OH GOD I CAN'T BREATHE

I think this may be one of my new favorite posts.

...I've said that about the past, like, five or six.

And I think I've only been following this blog for the past five or six entries.

...MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Mairoa said...

I laughed so hard my dog was convinced I was dying and stood on my shoulders, thinking that it'd fix the problem.

I think you'd love him.

Nathan said...

Continuity error! What happened to the face Band-Aids??? :)

And what is it about kids and Band-Aids. They are totally the catch-all "pay attention to me" accoutrement.

PaKaP said...

Wow, I'm actually crying a little from all the laughing. Great story.

Arbitrista said...

Still...can't....stop....laughing.

Marty said...

ROFLMAO!! love it!

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness. This is completely awesome. I was squeaking with laughter. Hope your family still has a few of these (undoubtedly awesome) home videos.

Unknown said...

Kenny Loggins and Chuck Norris are kin - thanks to the Beard of Righteousness.

tryingtryingtrying said...

You've turned me lesbian, I hope you're pleased.

Gigi said...

Oh Allie! The wait between posts is SO worth it.

Wait, are we all going to hell now?

Still worth it.

Merry Christmas.

Unknown said...

CANNOT BREATHE A;SDFKLJAS;LD

Mandi said...

LOL
So so funny.
Yay for new post I was starting to get worried xD

André said...

You were quite a child back then ahaha

The image that I created of you being a disabled Mary is priceless...and Baby Jesus flying...if I was one the "actors" on that play I would burst laughing right on that moment and not later on!

Feliz Natal (what?...yes, Merry Christmas!)

Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You are completely fucked up.

Mike H said...

Fricking hilarious, another great one from you!

And when families/parents speculate how kids get their humor, they need to check the mirror ;-)

Love the 'festive edition', BTW.

Merry Kenny... Er, Christmas to you!

MrsJenB said...

I'm not one of the 41 thousand+ people who follow your site. The fact that I was unfamiliar with you only made this funnier to me - to the point where the lady next to me on the train looked concerned because I was choking back tears (of mirth). I loved this.

Jillers said...

So who would win in a fight? Chuck Norris or Kenny Loggins?

Welcome to Lulu's life. said...

Fan-frickin-tastic! I just shared with everyone in my place of employment and we were all laughing so hard people came around the walls to stare....which means of course we shared. Company laughter is good!

Cal said...

I literally crying with laughter XD Also blasting Kenny Loggins in favour of xmas carols (how can some of you not know who he is!?!)

Jennifer said...

My best friend and I read this over the phone together, and we could barely get through it for all the laughing. Thank you.

I'mawesome said...

As far as I'm concerned Kenny Loggins has fucking ruined everything

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this comic. You really made my morning. Shout out from The Philippines.

Pariah said...

See, this is my proof that there's no God, if there were, he'd have punished Kenny Loggins for even daring to ruin your moment of theatrical genius. I have a similar disdain for Rod Stewart born of being trapped in a hospital and being forced to listen to Rod Stewart tracks for 10 HOURS!!!!

Anonymous said...

Kenny Loggins totally loves Jesus. Here's proof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBJDrtVsjI

Kenny Loggins is Chuck Norris's alter ego. Kenny Loggins is to Jesus what Chuck Norris is to Satan. Oh crap, Chuck Norris is going to roundhouse kick me for saying that!!

Unknown said...

I was hoping and praying for a Christmas update. You have not disappointed me. Therefore, I shall not unleash veliciraptors (or geese) into your apartment.

Jean Bauhaus said...

Thank you. I've had a seriously depressing day, and I needed a good laugh.

jdracecar said...

LOVE IT AS ALWAYS!!!! Comedic genius per usual!!

Unknown said...

Hahahaha! That's fantastic. I find your interpretation of the Nativity much, much more amusing than the one I hear about in church all the time. I knew there had to be a TRex involved somehow!

Kackle said...

Laughing so hard I freaked out my husband and kids. Love it!

Pale Girl said...

Awesome post as ever Allie. We're all wetting ourselves here :D

Sorry to plug but would love to know what you think of my blog xx

http://weirdnessandcake.blogspot.com/

Candace said...

...Is it totally weird that I have a family story entitled "The Year Tom Brady Ruined Thanksgiving?"

Anonymous said...

Kenny Loggins is the NEW Chuck Norris!!!!

Brittany said...

I don't understand how someone can possibly be as awesome as you are Allie.

You are my hero.

Anonymous said...

This has just made my week. I've been layed up in the bed with a broke foot and this had me spastically laughing and yelling for anyone in the house to come and read it with me again! :D

Belladune said...

bwahahaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm so glad I didn't read this at work, because I'm sure I would have had an accident trying not to guffaw out loud. I'm crying anyway.
Have a wonderful holiday, all (and especially Allie)!

Stephanie in Atlanta said...

This post was amazing. When the holidays start to drive me insane, I will think of Kenny Loggins and smile! Happy Christmas!

K.P. said...

Priceless.

PNB Dave said...

This is beyond any shadow of doubt the Best Christmas Story Ever.

Jacqui Graham said...

I had a similar experience as a child, when I tried to organize a haunted room at a neighborhood party. The other kids were great in rehearsals, but when we called in the grownups, they all started to fool around. I got so mad, I pushed my sister down the steps between the hall and the living room (hey - I couldn't very well push the host's children) and got spanked in front of EVERYONE, and taken home in disgrace, and to cap off the evening, I threw up on our front doorstep. The experience put me off parties for life.

sideshow said...

in such epic amounts of hysterics i woke up the dog and the boyfriend both who seem to be rather upset at my nonstop laughing. this was amazing

Mateus S. Figueiredo said...

AMAAAAAAAAAZING! AMAAAAAAZING!
You are completely AWESOME! THANKS sooooo much for making me laugh this hard! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Xen ♥ said...

You are just so funny, I have been backreading alot of your posts- I never knew you could make stick drawings have such realistic expressions!! I was reading this in the office and I burst out laughing :D thanks for the great start to my day..

Anonymous said...

Stinking funny, and bonus, "Wretched Spittle" would be a great band name.

onlyelise said...

You may never read this, as you have almost 500 posts on this entry.... but you made me laugh so hard I now have a headache.

But it's ok, because it was so funny I posted it to my family to warn them that in a few years when my nephew turns six, a rendition of this will probably totally happen.

Thank you for your hystericalness!

Anonymous said...

Omg...I so freakin love you! That was abso-freakin-lutely amazing!!!

Smiles are like... said...

Just like my child hood christmases :D I have always found nativity plays to be really quite boring I ebjoy your's lots more :D

www.smilesarelike.blogspot.com
:D

Kelsie said...

Kenny Loggins is the new Chuck Norris.

Angelala said...

Oh sweet Kenny Loggins. . . can't breathe. . . laughing. . . too hard. . .

Seriously, every time I read your blog it sends me shrieking into a bout of unstoppable, high-pitched laughter. I laugh so hard I lose my voice. Which is pretty serious, because I'm a singer. But it's so worth it. NEVER stop what you're doing!! You are brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I was actually laughing so hard I could hardly see the words trying to finish it!

Lextacy said...

This post is like, The Best Christmas Present Ever.
Also, I now have a new reason to dislike Kenny Loggins with great gusto. Yay!

Anonymous said...

Allie, I laughed so hard that I cried. And couldn't make sounds. This was priceless! Bravo!

Scorpionical said...

This is a pretty epic Christmas post. lol

Monica said...

Chest cold + Allie = hacking good time! Now I'm going back to bed, I'm exhausted after that lol

Lisa said...

I love your family! I'm still wiping my tears from laughing so hard; thank you!!!

Liz Johnson said...

I normally don't say this to people I don't know in the real world, but... I love you.

Augusta said...

Is there video for this?!?!? I think it should be located and uploaded immediately!!!!

Anonymous said...

should have known not to read this until the stitches in my mouth healed.....but I couldn't resist. LOTS of painful laughter with this post!

Augusta said...

Also, I believe the google image search for Kenny Loggins just spike considerably.

Caley said...

Brilliant. Your blog has seriously been my primary reading material lately. I love it so much. And if you're still taking suggestions on what to write about, I think you should write a post on llamas.

I hope this upcoming Christmas is better for you than that one fateful, Kenny Loggins filled one of years ago.

Cookiespaws said...

HAHHAHAHAAAAAAHHAaaa...I died laughing! this is one of THE MOST Hilarious Xmas posts ever!!!!!

Steph said...

Do you know how hard I laughed at this thing? My mum came up to my room and thought I was having a heart attack or some other severe form of medical fit. I have only just come across your blog in the last month or so, but I have read every one of your posts and I have never read anything so true and incredibly hilarious. You are perfect!!! Thankyou.

Amanda L said...

I am having the worst day ever and this just made me laugh until I snarfed my orange juice.

nopenopenopenope said...

You win at life. *snrrrk* I'm trying to laugh quietly cause my bf is sleepy. I am failing. I lol'd too hard XD

Akiko said...

XDDDDD I cannot control the laughter right now. My parents did similar things that were ULTRA IMPORTANT to me at that very moment in time when I was a kid. Can't wait to do it to my own future children. -cackles-

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

This should become a yearly family tradition until they get it right!

Julie McCord said...

As a parent, I have to confess that I would *totally* have been the one squeaking that Kenny Loggins wouldn't have beat baby Jesus. And my son would have been just as pleased as you were.

Maybe he should get more presents.

Anonymous said...

this may actually be the funniest thing i've ever seen. i am in tears i laughed so hard.

Anonymous said...

You totally would give birth to Santa. I think they should make a lifetime movie about it.

Amy said...

I remember pretending I was the Virgin Mary with a blanket too. I so totally want the t-shirt.

Unknown said...

SPOILER: KENNY LOGGINS -IS- JESUS!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for my Christmas present! I can only return the favour with my unending adoration!

Emma said...

Allie I love you, this is hysterical. My childhood dramatic re-enactments were never this exciting.

J9 said...

Best line ever, "They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle."

Leah said...

Effing brilliant. Sharing!

Zakary said...

I'm pretty sure I want to be your aunt and grandma when I grow up.

Quinn Parsons said...

I was curious as to why you hadn't made a post in such a long time. Not only did you have to write this pretty long post, but you were making the site Christmasy :)

But...I do think the Kenny Loggins jokes about him being omnipotent were kinda funny.

Elaine said...

Why do you always hurt me with your outlandish Funny?


WHY, ALLIE, WHY?

Kenny Loggins wouldn't hurt me.

Strugglecity said...

And then Kenny Loggins gave birth to Chuck Norris (because he could) and just like Oedipus, was killed by his own son. Because nobody is greater than Chuck Norris.
(I say this out of fear)
AH-MAY-ZING story!!

Pimento said...

Please promise me that you will ignore any and all hate mail that you get from ignorant people who are offended by the "blasphemy!" This is hilarious!

Henry said...

Chuck Norris is scared of Kenny Loggins after this post.

Keith said...

Kenny Loggins knows if you've been bad or good and he knows about this story now! He's got his eye on you. (Thanks Allie for being you.)

utarzan said...

This made my holiday. You could say it celebrated me home. Thanks.

Pimento said...

The part where you were yelling at your dad about what to say to the innkeeper really hit home, too--my son does things like that to his dad and I all the time!

kyree said...

Totally awesome, as always! I'm still crying from laughing so hard. :) :)

Paige (Running Around Normal) said...

Bahaha
Thank you for sharing this story with us all.

Elisha said...

Awesome post. You do realize that you will be forever tormented by Kenny Loggins now though, right? You are truly a martyr to comedy, and for that I applaud and thank you.

Melissa said...

After finals and every other terrible thing that can happen in a single day (think flame-throwing tornadoes swirling a gazillion mph/second and mega-shark infested typhoons a billion ft. tall) this was definitely the pick-me-up I needed.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Love this!

Anonymous said...

A Christmas story even an agnostic (like me) can love!

Shannon J said...

OH MY FEEREEKINNG God! Allie, I completly understand where you get your humor from. What a terrible childhood you must have had. I seriously peed my pants. This is one of the best posts since the fish that ruined your childhood. I almost choked on my chicken and rice dinner.

Luv ya!

ClanSoul said...

http://myplay.com/files/brightcove_stills/348083_1761990646.jpg

I can see why Jesus was a fan.

Flowersareamazing said...

Another great, amazing and fantaicale(I don't think that's a word), super-duper, Unbelievability wonderful,phenomenal,sensational, awesome, stupendous, magnificent, clever, brilliant, stunning, and extraordinary blog post! Made my day. =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D
=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D

Pies said...

More awesome than awesome itself.

Sarah White said...

heheh omg I'm still in tears

Ms. Admire said...

I really did "lol" at this. Several times. I wonder if the Kenny-Loggins-as-the-new-Chuck-Norris thing will catch on elsewhere. . .

Luc said...

Every time I read one of your posts, I believe I laugh harder than I've ever laughed before, or ever will laugh again, and then you post another post.

This might be love.

I wonder how many love confessions you get after every post...hmm...competition...

Jahed Momand said...

Hahaha, your parents are geniuses, clearly they invented that Chuck Norris joke thing except about Kenny Loggins WAYYYYYYYYYY before the rest of us. Now it's obvious where you get your talents.

Serena said...

So I totally can't go to church on Christmas eve anymore cause all I'm going to think about is Jesus flying across the room.

Drew said...

Oh my god, Allie. This just made my week.

Why would you beat baby Jesus? That's mean. This explains many things. I'm signing you up to see a psychiatrist.

I'm not gonna make a Kenny Loggins joke. Because I love you. And I don't want you to hate me, or come to my house to murder my with your Mary cane.

Merry Christmas~

Courtney said...

This is awesome. I died laughing.

Unknown said...

Best. Christmas story. Ever.

Diana said...

They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

Frequently a concern I have after my own health when reading this blog. ;)

Unknown said...

I've always thought Kenny Loggins was Jesus, and I think this is genius! Super freaky genius!

bluzdude said...

OK, crying now.

Funniest Christmas story ever.

I would make a joke about the "Danger Zone" but I'm sure someone in one of the preceding 500-some comments must have beat me too it.

Traci said...

Briliant. I want to be friends with your aunts and I desperately want to interview your mom. Kenny Loggins is the Anti-Christ.

jenbeth said...

laughing so hard --- crying --- can't stop laughing...

Aria said...

OMG. You need to make a "more bandaids" shirt!! Classic!!!

Lazymochabear said...

This was fantastic and a great way to start off having internet for the first time in weeks (our house burned down, so we have been trying to get these things sorted out again).

Also, fantastic additions to the header of the blog! I love the ears on special dog!

Jen P said...

I had a similar experience trying to get my family to act out the Adam and Eve story, only without Kenny Loggins or drinking.

squirrelgrrl said...

So why didn't you post the video? Please tell me your mom still has it and it'll be on YouTube later...

Unknown said...

This is some funny shit! You made my day.

Johanna Gaymer said...

Oh my gosh Allie, I only discovered your blog about a month ago, but your writings have brought me more laughter and happiness than anything else recently.

I just finished my first semester of law school, and your blog is what kept me sane and with a smile on my face throughout all the final exam chaos around me.

There is so much win in this seasonal post! I'm going to go ahead and declare it the best Christmas story of all time! Thank you oh blind, band-aid bandaged Mary for truly expressing the magnitude of the story of Jesus through your amazing directing skills and t-rex plush toys. Kenny Loggins has nothing on you!

Thank you a million times for the laughs, and have a very happy Christmas!

~krystal~ said...

Allie,
Thank you so much for this post. I read this one to my mom, who has never seen your blog before, and she is currently in the bathroom, peeing. You made her laugh that hard. Thanks. In a really weird way, this post has brought us closer.
Krystal

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. I can't stop laughing and crying out pathetic laughter-tears. Ohhh I lost it at the bandaids part.

That said, I have no idea who Kenny Loggins is, but I equated him in my head to something approximating Chuck Norris or Robert Pattinson.

This is your first new post since I started following (read: obsessively checking for new stuff to read) your blog. And I must say, I love both your writing and your artwork. GOOD STUFF.

Claire said...

Genius!

**runs off to Google Images to prove that Kenny Loggins and Chuck Norris are the same person**

dan said...

kenny loggins IS chuck norris and he likes michael bolton

Anonymous said...

Thank you - the most joy yet this holiday season! Giggles all round!

Anonymous said...

This is the best Christmas story ever! LOVE YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

This is the best Christmas story ever! LOVE YOU!!!

Michael said...

Oh, you have the uncanny ability to make me laugh out loud every time. I was rolling on the floor along with your erstwhile cast members.

I enjoy our posts more than you can imagine!

Keep up the good work.

daphne said...

I really love this. .I enjoyed it a lot! clap clap:)

Anna Tatelman said...

You. are. my. hero.

Unknown said...

When your mom finally blurted "Kenny Loggins" at the end there, I totally lost it. I think my neighbors heard me laughing.

Anna said...

I'm super drunk from a Christmas party. And actually my roommate/boss and I made a joke about you at said party. Well, not about you, but about a post of yours, the one about going to a party while heavily sedated. We called it a partney. Ha ha, Also, you keep us entertained while bored at work. Whether or not it's a new post, you have the power to cheer. And that's the true power of Christmas. The. End. Congrats Allie.

Laura said...

Gosh, I wish I had the time and energy to go through 537 comments to see how many crazy people are praying for your soul for beating pretend Baby J with a cane. I'll bet there's a few hey?

Oh well, it thins out the crowd and leave more room for us light hearted, chuckle loving, easy going (slightly bipolar) Alli fans.

Merry Christmas, and I hope the New Year brings you more and more success. You are a very bright spot in the world.

Unknown said...

Oh -- Allie! Thank you SO much for making me laugh until tears are running down my face!! I needed this laughter fix SOOOO badly. Best Christmas story - EVER!! Poor Baby Jesus. Bless Kenny Loggins for providing the fodder for your cast members!

I hope you have an even more memorable (and much better) Christmas this year. (I will want to read about it at a later date).

Emsie12 said...

This made my 9 hour work day so much better, thank you so much for giving me a laugh. ^^

Anonymous said...

This just made my Christmas!
Thank you!

Lundy said...

Your family, like mine, clearly could not fully appreciate the amazing creativeness of their children.

But I appreciate us enough for all of them.

Anonymous said...

Finally! Another post!
awesome! tahnks for deh laffs.

Anonymous said...

oh man. favorite one. haha

Anonymous said...

i legit just laughed my guts off and my whole family is just staring at me. thanks :)

Chenoan said...

I had to google Kenny Loggins.

Ethan Reber said...

YES. YES. YES.

I approve.

Fuck Kenny Loggins.

Twisted Susan said...

I met Kenny Loggins in the airport, I didn't care for him.

Stranded in a Dream said...

oh man that's hilarious. i was hoping you'd post something new soon. thanks. it definitely made my day :)

Esther said...

do you guys still have the tape? i must watch your performance. :D

Ray the Blind Dog said...

(i love kenny loggins)

Tommo Pea said...

Fucking Christmexcellence!

Dr. Pretzel said...

Love it. Thank you.

Lechuza said...

waiting for you to post is totally worth it!
loved every bit of this story!
thanks for a wonderful Christmas present!

Unknown said...

you posted this 8 hours ago and already have almost 600 comments? wow. that should tell you something.

KOLehman said...

SO wait... if your mom was filming... this videotape still exists?

Anonymous said...

I don't usually post comments but because it's the holidays (and I've had some wine) I thought I'd let you know that my co-workers and I adore you. Every time you come out with a new post one of us finds it, emails everyone then link, and then we all stop working for at least 30 minutes while we read your post and talk about our favorite parts and start long email chains about Kenny Loggins, times our parents laughed at us, our retarded dogs, and how we'll never really grow up.

Thank you for that. And have a great holiday. :)

Barbara said...

That was hysterical! I will forever be indebted to the friend who just shared the link!

Sara said...

For the win!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the great Christmas gift.

Cammie said...

If I quoted every line I loved in this post, I would basically have to repost the entire thing. This is EXACTLY how I have always pictured the Christmas story, Allie! I laughed. So. Hard.

Peach said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG - THANK YOU for finally posting!

ana r. aug said...

Best xmas story ever!

Anonymous said...

there's a skit about that here! http://blip.tv/file/4521431

BrendaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nora said...

If the video of your production of the birth of Jesus still exists, I would (and I'm sure many would agree) love to see a snippet of it.

musicman said...

Best Kenny Loggins story ever! I laughed until I cried.

BrendaK said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsnortHA
HAHAHAsnortHAHAHAHA
HAHAsnortHAHAHHA!!1!!!1!!2

That's right, that there post is definitely a three-snorter. Brilliantly funny!

Anonymous said...

I feel bad, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. Because I really like Jesus.

Anonymous said...

So, your family created Chuck Norris jokes like 20 years before the internet did? That's pretty awesome. Also, your family members are hilarious and terrible. Hilarrible.

Unknown said...

This story is the best thing to happen to the Christmas season. :) Seriously, I'm crying tinsel right now from laughing so hard.

Marty said...

I thought I was gonna rupture a blood vessel, I was laughing so hard!!!

You should TOTALLY take this story and put it into bound, book form. I would totally buy it and read it to my family at Xmas every year and then maybe we could start worshipping Kenny Loggins instead of Jesus!

Thank You!!!

Chad said...

Hi Allie! Long-time lurker, first-tome commenter. I recently discovered your site thanks to The Oatmeal's reference to your alot. I read your entire site and loved around eighty-five percent of your posts (I also strongly appreciate your rigid grammar). I've noticed that lately, you post much less frequently. This is bad news. All of your posts are now gold, but I miss the inane, informal posts. Forgive my creepiness, but it gave your site a personal, (extra) unique tone. I felt as if I practically knew you. I would love to see more posts, they do not all have to be classics! I know that I'm nitpicking. Regardless, keep it up, you are fantastically funny. I doubt you will read this, but I just would like to voice my thoughts and appreciation.

Elon said...

Can this be turned into a movie? Please? Because if it were, it would definitely be sold out--even if that meant I had to buy every ticket myself. I would watch this 3 times. No, 20. No...a million.

Helen Tran said...

oh gosh.... I laughed for so long.... this is the BEST post you've had this year!

RW said...

Worth the wait as usual.

Anonymous said...

This has got to be kind of cathartic.

Telling all of us (and by that I mean the 6.8 billion of your closest friends on the Internet that you wrote this to) about this vignette, this moment, in your life.

If I were you, I'd be thinking how much people would think I was strange or crazy. But that's the rub, Allie - we're all this strange and crazy, and all have stories to tell about our own childhood plays gone sour. I could tell you a story so similar from my own childhood (in another land on another continent) that you would think I was fabricating it to jive with yours. You are one of us, and we are all human, and you make that a good thing.

You describe and illustrate so poignantly. Many of us can't do as well as you at this task. And this makes your posts as cathartic for us as I hope they are for you. You help us understand and bond with you then, and with us then, and with all of us, here and then.

It's a gift. Keep going. Keep working. We need you. Perhaps this is why you are here.

MOV said...

worth the wait. love ya!
*
http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com
*
MOV
ps-- I like to think that we live parallel lives, except that, you know, I have kids and you don't. (But if you did, you would totally be me.)

Agent Beryllium said...

So did Kenny Loggins come up any Christmasses after that? And living through the shame and embarassment all over again at ages 7, 8 9 etc.?

My folks still won't shut up about how I pronounced "Purpose" like "Porpoise" at the age of 6, and I had no friggin idea why they suddenly brought up dolphins... and then wouldn't shut up about dolphins.

The urge to murder only intensified over the years, when this was brought up without fail at family gatherings.

I'm 28 and I want to punch a sea mammal in the mouth.

Lauren-Kate said...

Excellent. MOST excellent.
:'D

DB said...

Hahahaha. That was awesome. I'm sure my family thinks I'm crazy because I was laughing out loud!

T-Rex said...

Wow, Allie! You are amazing!

Briza said...

I don't think I've laughed this hard since "The God of Cake" although, this time I laughed until I fell off the couch and my boyfriend worried about me. I couldn't tell him why I was laughing, because he's a big fan of Jesus and wouldn't appreciate that you beat the baby Jesus.

Anonymous said...

LOL, LOVE IT! Except the whole time i was thinking of Kenny G instead of Loggins, I'm not sure who is the lesser of two evils, but I love your story, well i love all of them, they are so awesomely hilarious! Kepp up the great work, many people's days depend on it! :) ~ Other Amy

Heather said...

Finally Kenny Loggins has a purpose!

Laura said...

My sister and I reenacted the birth of Jesus with our ceramic Nativity decorations, my dad's set of US Marine Corps nutcrackers, some Barbies, and a lobster (homage to Love Actually). Your post allowed me to relive that epic moment.

Heather said...

This is awesome!! I laughed so hard! Do you have some of this on video? I would love to see it!

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nia said...

I would TOTALLY go to church if they had plays like this. Please start your own religion and save us.

Anonymous said...

i think i peed myself i was laughing so hard. i was definitely crying as i keeled over laughing. fabulous


keeeennnyyy loooooggggiiiinnns

Lori said...

PLEASE tell me this tape exists somewhere. PLEEEEEASE!!!

Kate said...

Thanks for the fabulous Christmas story! Just curious to know if you have children now, and if so, what is their take on the whole Christmas story?

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