The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

The year I learned that Christmas did not, in fact, originate as a celebration of my amazing ability to temporarily transform into a "good" child for a few weeks was the year my grandparents took me to see their church's nativity play.  My dad's parents were heavily involved in their church and felt that, at six years old, it was time that I start appreciating the miracle of Jesus instead of using Christmas as an excuse to whore out my integrity for presents.  Even though my parents weren't religious, they let me go to the play because it was important to my grandparents.

From my grandparents' flowery explanation and frequent use of the word "miracle," I went in expecting to be blown away by the production. Unfortunately, the church moms and the pathetic excuses for actors that they called their offspring failed to bring the characters to life in the way I had hoped.  And the story just seemed to center around everyone being really impressed with Jesus and there wasn't much suspense and not a single battle scene.



I could see that the story had potential, but I was deeply disappointed by the whole experience.


By the time my grandparents dropped me off at home, I had convinced myself that I needed to take matters into my own hands and reinvent the birth of Christ so that it conformed to my expectations. My parents and I lived with my maternal grandmother and my aunt, so I would have more than enough talent to work with - all I had to do was create a compelling story line.

I walked through my front door with purpose and gathered my family members in the living room to tell them about my vision. I was going to rewrite the birth of Jesus Christ and I was going to make it POP.

My mom, always wanting to nurture my creative side, agreed on behalf of everyone that we should go forward with the production. I would be playing the part of Mary and my dad would be Joseph. My aunt and my grandma would play the wise men. My mom would be filming. The dogs were slated to play the animals in the manger, but they kept trying to chew the eyes off of the doll I'd chosen to play Jesus, so their parts were cut and they were relegated to the bedroom for the duration of the production.

Once I had assigned everyone their parts, we set about the task of gathering costumes and props. Joseph was outfitted in a brown bath robe and Mary wore a blue blanket over her head like a cloak. The wise men, who were heavily intoxicated at that point in the evening, decided to dress themselves like gypsies.


I felt that the struggles of my character, Mary, needed to be emphasized. The audience really needed to understand that she was suffering. I constructed my costume accordingly.


By the time I was done reinventing her, Mary carried a cane, walked with an exaggerated limp and was completely covered in BandAids.


She was also blind.

The first scene opened with Mary and Joseph walking across the desert in search of shelter. I took my dad's hand and slowly paraded around the house, making a big show of being horribly disabled.


I was slightly annoyed when my dad broke character to ask my mom if she put the leftovers in the refrigerator, but I tried to work around the interruption and carry on. I couldn't let myself be distracted by the incompetence of others.

I had never been more serious about anything in my little life.  I ad-libbed my lines with the greatest sincerity, pausing after each one to let the weight of my plight sink in.


Every now and then, I would pause my dramatic musings and make my dad knock on a door and ask "Is there room at the inn?" At which point, my mother's disembodied voice would say "I'm sorry. There is no room at the inn." And then I'd make my dad feign complete outrage at the detached voice.

Me: "Now yell at the innkeeper!"

My Dad: "Arrggghhhh!"

Me: "No, Dad! Actually yell words at him!"

My Dad: "You... innkeeper! You dirty innkeeper!"

Me: "Do it better than that."

My Dad: "Oh, I'll... I'll show you, you rascally innkeeper!"

Me: "NO! You aren't saying it mean enough."

My Dad: "How do I say it mean enough?"

Me: "Say 'I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you!'"

My Dad: "I'll rip out your guts and feed them to a monster and then I'll kill you."

Me: "Louder."

My Dad: "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS AND FEED THEM TO A MONSTER AND THEN I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Working with my family was turning out to be more of a struggle than I had anticipated.  They seemed to be actually looking for opportunities to derail my theatrical masterpiece.

Once we had cycled through knocking on every door in the house in much the same fashion, I went back to the first door and started the process over. At some point in this endless litany of repetitive scenes, my mom interrupted to try to get things moving a little faster.


My mother didn't seem to understand how serious I was about my part.  Fortunately, I got bored with the scene well before I'd gotten around to reenacting it a million times.

It was finally time for Jesus to be born. Due to my incomplete understanding of childbirth, the scene involved Jesus being tossed across the room, as if in flight, and me running over to where he landed and acting really surprised to find him there.


The wise men were in the kitchen making more cocktails while Jesus was being "born" and they missed their cue. My mom ran into the kitchen and yelled "Jesus is here!" to which the wise men responded "Oh! Right! Shit. Hang in there, Jesus! We're coming!! "

They stumbled into the living room, still clutching half-full glasses of vodka which they hadn't had time to pour orange juice into, and yelled, as if the baby Jesus were partially deaf or mentally challenged "HELLO JESUS. WE COME BEARING GIFTS."

Grandma: "Wait, where are the gifts?"

Aunt: "Didn't you bring them? We were supposed to bring gold, frankincense and that other one." 

Grandma: "I thought you were going to bring them."

Aunt: "I was busy keeping my eye on that star and trying not to get us lost. You were on gold, frankincense and whatever duty."

Grandma: "Well, I was brushing the camels."

Aunt: "You aren't supposed to brush camels." 

Grandma: "You don't know that. Have you ever owned a camel?"

Aunt: "Of course. I'm a wise man. I know all there is to know about camels."

Grandma: "Well, then you should know that camels need to be brushed. A lot."

Aunt: (skeptical silence).

Grandma: "Well, I guess we don't have any gifts after all. Sorry Jesus."

I was not happy. I ordered them to go find some gifts for Jesus.

They scavenged around the living room for a few minutes and then returned bearing a pack of cigarettes, the remote control and a Kenny Loggins tape.


Aunt: "We're back! And we have the gifts!"

Grandma: "They are specially imported from distant lands."

The gifts were most definitely not imported from distant lands. I had just seen my aunt and grandmother pick them up off of the floor, seemingly at random.  Their inattention to detail infuriated me. They weren't even trying to make the play seem realistic.  They were sabotaging my monumental production with their lazy, unrealistic props.

Me: "Jesus doesn't want those things."

Grandma: "Sure he does. Jesus loves Kenny Loggins."

Me: "No. He hates him."

My dire seriousness only served to fuel their desire to toy with me.

Aunt: "No, no, no. Jesus was a huge Kenny Loggins fan."

Grandma: "It's true. I saw it in the Bible once."

Me: "Grandma, Kenny Loggins wasn't even alive back then."

Grandma: "Oh yes he was.  Kenny Loggins is immortal."

They both burst into raucous laughter.  They thought they were being awfully clever.  Apparently my mom and dad thought so too, because they joined in.


At that point, they were all laughing too hard to clearly impart any further knowledge of Kenny Loggins.

I looked at them, strewn about the room; contorted with laughter over their own stupid jokes.


They were a disgrace.  They had somehow managed to take my moment in the spotlight and irreversibly derail it until it was entirely about Kenny Loggins. This was supposed to be MY moment, not Kenny Loggins' moment. It was so unfair. They were ruining my life.


I couldn't contain my fury any longer.


An unforeseen plot twist arose when, in a final attempt to jar my family into cooperation, I cast the baby Jesus to the ground and began to repeatedly bludgeon him with my cane.

Even though they weren't religious, the violent blasphemy unfolding before them made my family feel slightly uncomfortable.


My grandmother tried to intervene. 


For a moment, it seemed as though my outburst had succeeded in bringing my family back into a more serious mindset. But after a few moments of tense silence, my aunt quietly squeaked "Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

It was over.  Any hope I had ever had of getting my family members to act out their parts with integrity was shattered.  They laughed and laughed until I thought they were going to asphyxiate on their own wretched spittle.

My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room. 


I didn't want to spend any more time around these horrible, undignified people anyway, so I stomped away to my room where I could reenact the play with a more cooperative cast.


I still hold a small amount of resentment toward Kenny Loggins.  

1,494 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas!!

Totally Hilarious!!

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Haha, the wise men totally completed this story for me. Just their gypsy costumes and almost-seeking for affirmation in the first pic was hilarious! And of course, Little You dressed more like a gangster than Mary with that awful scowl!

Rebecca Elizabeth Baxter said...

Omigosh...that was HUUHHlarious. Reading that was the highlight of my day....(heee-heeee) *sigh* (giggle)...(full-blown laughter) *hiccup*

Anonymous said...

I love your stories. They never fail to amuse. Thanks for the timely Christmas gift of laughter!

Anonymous said...

This is the greatest Christmas story ever told

Ange said...

My mind immediately jumped to the episode of the sitcom 'Still Standing' where the father thinks Jesus is Kenny Loggins.

Gabi said...

Kenny Loggins would make it so that Kenny Loggins wouldn't have ruined your Christmas. Also, your family's insane "admiration" of KL is like my family and Chuck Norris.

LOLXD

Anonymous said...

Fucking Kenny Loggins. He ruins EVERYTHING.

Unknown said...

Now this is what Christmas is all about.

halfpint said...

You have a beautiful mind. I wish the world had more people like you.

ablejack said...

same thing happened to me.

Colin said...

i kind of hate christmas and was feeling all shitty and then i read this. who could fail to break into hysterics? you are a treasure. thank you!

Beth said...

So incredibly funny! And to read this on Christmas eve, even better.
Have a very Merry Christmas Allie, and thanks for making the world a little more humorous.

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

I love your stuff. You are talented as an artist, and talented as a writer, and talented as a humourist.

No, wait. I hate you.

Merry Christmas, anyhow.

That Jessica Girl said...

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove.

Love.

Anonymous said...

This is pure gold!!
btw what happened to
Spaghatta Nadle
I MISS HIM!!

Paula said...

Very rarely does reading a story cause me to literally laugh out loud, tears rolling down my face, but you've done it several times over.

Thanks!

DQ said...

Thank you! I loved this so much!

RS said...

I swear your cartoons are always so AWESOME not to mention super duper adorable. Ahh, there should be more people like u.

U ought to publish your blog posts into story books. I'd TOTALLY BUY THEM!!!

S said...

That is the best Christmas story ever. Today I heard a Christmas story involving a newborn calf leaping into a Christmas dinner. Yours was better.

Harish Sreedharan said...

Again,an Amazing post :) lol...

Su Hye said...

This is so amazing... I can't even!!! Merry Xmas...

CiCi said...

I would like to know if you are a real person and if you are if you are just one person or if it takes many minds to put together these posts. And I want to say I am in awe of the mind(s) and I laughing so much I had to run to the bathroom. Well, I am old for one thing, but laughing till I have to pee is so fun. Thank you for the best Christmas present ever.

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Anonymous said...

WHOA! i heard that you won blogger's choice awards 2010 for best blog of all time!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! this is the only blog i actually read!

Suzanne said...

OMG, I haven't laughed this much in YEARS!! I'm crying, my nose is running, and I can't breathe--I'm laughing so hard.

Totally hilarious. Those expressions--fantastic.

Such twisted talent. YAY!

Joanne Woods said...

REad this a few days ago but was laughing to hard to give you a coherent THANK YOU!!!

I'm pretty religious and I'm not sure if I'll get struck by lightening, but I laughed and laughed and laughed.

In fact, my husband was on the phone with one of his bosses and kept giving me "I'm going to get fired if you don't shut up" --stink eye.

but I couldn't stop reading. nothing else mattered and apparently I was snickering uncontrollably. By the time he got off the phone I was crying!

LOVE your posts.

Unknown said...

Being from the post-80's generation, I had to go look up Kenny Loggins. After that, I think I can safely say that any fear or hatred of him is somewhat reasonable. He's the reason "Highway to the Danger Zone" exists.

Anonymous said...

not that great compared to your previous posts.well its ok

Jessy said...

Gotta love Hyperbole and a Half :) Merry Christmas, Allie. And... :) Kenny Loggins!

Anonymous said...

That was awesome. Also, after reading cake and the tooth posts I felt bad for your mom, but now I see the give and take here...

Anonymous said...

I read this while sitting with my dad staring at a yule log and couldn't contain my laughter.
my dad still is looking for the humor in a yule log

Cindy said...

LOLOL! You are such an inspiration! Thanks so much for making my day - Merry Christmas!

Sipwine said...

Amazing.

kinnery said...

Have my babies. We can throw them across the room if that seems more accurate.

Anonymous said...

Amazing and hilarious!

Joanie said...

I got a "Clean all the Things" T-shirt today from my sister, and I'm completely ecstatic!! Best Christmas gift ever!

maidel said...

Now I'm merry. You're Mary. And Santa, for the gift of this post.
<3

Heather said...

Seriously. I have a cold, which reverted to a hacking cough at this post. You can't do this to me.

Karma said...

:( Oh god. I love Kenny Loggins. I still have his CDs from when I was a little girl.:( Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I swore I would never leave one of those all-positive, generic "you rock" comments but that was the funniest thing I have read about Christmas ever. I'm watching my mom die (not kidding here, sadly) and this was the one bright spot in an otherwise godawful, dreary, desperate Christmas. So there.

Milieunaire said...

This is going to be the script for MY Nativity play next December, and of course I will be delighted to credit Allie Brosh!!

Misty said...

I wanna hit baby Jesus with a stick, too!
I love this post. It's almost as awesome as the one about the dogs going nuts when you moved. ^_^

Anonymous said...

You are a genius. I don't know how it is that you are able to copy expressions so well--of children, dogs, adults trying not to laugh, but seriously. You rock.

Unknown said...

hilarious!!! omg

oncewasblind said...

I just fell off my chair in a fit of laughter!

Soo good, I truly LOVE your blog!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this Christmas Gift! You made my day!

Anonymous said...

I. Can't. Breathe.... Laughing.... Dear Kenny Loggins, I love you, Allie.

phoenixwomynw said...

I really need to stop reading your blog when it's late at night and my boyfriend is sleeping in the next room....

Cr8vly said...

This gets funnier to me every time I read it, sometimes I am just sitting around and randomly start to snicker, grin and chuckle out of the blue merely recollecting this post.

The only thing I have to ask though, is why the band-aid faced Mary only appears in the one frame?

Unknown said...

This post just made me fall in love with your family. :)

Anonymous said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Loggins

Unknown said...

So, I just finished reading every one of your blog posts. Congratulations, I am thoroughly amused.

Merry Christmas, by the way.

well_technically said...

I love this! I was this kind of kid.

Once I tried to prove to my mother that I was in fact, an alien. There was Kenny Loggins type laughter for days.

Unknown said...

First comment from me.
Lol. Allie you rock.
Been back tracking thru the posts and just love this site!

Jesus H. Christ said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwBbMXYDsXw
When I saw this I thought of you.

Sarah said...

HAHAHA, awesome, that was great, thank you. Sharing this with friends, lol. :D

Mental Mouse said...

As it happens, Kenny Loggins is still around... and has a website!

Naturally, I just sent him a pointer to this comic! (Heh, heh, heh.)

tecolote said...

Merry Christmas--I just got in trouble for cackling out loud (woke my beloved up just a bit too soon). Totally brilliant.

Partha said...

I was saying to someone the other day (typing actually) that I abhor commenting on blogs unless that comment involves meaningful and serious discussion. Comic writing, I remember myself saying (typing) is fine when it's fine, but not worth commenting on.

Well I'm changing my mind and my stance. I'm writing in to say, to comment, that you're terrific! This Christmas post was truly amazing!

I'm NOT changing my stance, come to think of it. You're SERIOUSLY terrific!

Merry after-XMas!

Anonymous said...

So brilliant!

slylymonday said...

Haha... *toss*... JESUS!!!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who put on over-dramatic Christmas plays as a child. I've been so happy to find a kindred spirit in you. Keep blogging, crazy girl.

Susan said...

That was hysterical!! Love the pictures especially!! Thanks.

The Jules said...

Now, if church nativities were like this, then I might never have become a devout atheist!

Jackie said...

Amongst all the travel of my weekend, I was looking forward to finally having time to check here in hopes that you'd have a wonderful Chirstmas-related story. And honey, you didn't dissapoint! This was hilarious! Hope you had a great, and equally entertaining time this holiday!

Anonymous said...

New post! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
i loved it.

Anonymous said...

I just read this aloud to my mom and we woke up the rest of the household with our hysterical laughter.
Well done! :D

Anonymous said...

I am now anxiously awaiting the Kenny Loggins v Chuck Norris death match.

Jowchar said...

hilarious!

Jowchar said...

hilarious!

Unknown said...

Can you make the nativity graphic a downloadable Christmas card we can buy?

Anonymous said...

It might be venturing into the "Danger Zone" to admit this here, but I put the link to this relentlessly funny tale on the Kenny Loggins - Official Facebook page a few days ago - and today he "Shared" it. See: http://www.facebook.com/settings/?tab=privacy#!/kennylogginsofficial

If you'd like to revisit a Loggins Christmas, Kenny does have a holiday CD - it's called "December." You might want to beat it with a cane.

Unbalanced Reaction said...

Well obviously Kenny Loggins is the reason for the season.

Beth said...

Just when I got over the withdrawal shakes, you brought back the hilarious word-crack that is this blog. crap. NOW I NEED MORE!

Grace said...

Thank you sooo much. You brightened up my hungover boxing day.

Pam said...

Came across your blog for the first time last night and literally read backwards (starting with the most recent and going back to more than a year ago) until 3:30 AM. Laughing out loud the whole time, especially at this post and the Awkward Situation Survival Guide. Just almost typed "guido" by accident. I now think you should create a post about a stereotypical Italian man from New Jersey giving advice about awkward situations. You inspire me to be funnier and learn how to draw.

Anonymous said...

All the bad things that have ever happened in this world are the fault of Kenny Loggins. If you listen to Kenny Loggins, you support the terrorists!

Diz said...

LOVED this. I am now a huge fan of your blog, having now read the entirety of it (as far back as it goes at least) Is there a place we can read farther back

JJadziaDax said...

is any of that video as funny as it sounds because that would be an awesome upload... just sayin ;) hilarious as ever thanks :)

beeanisimo said...

I just discovered you recently, and took it upon myself to read EVERY BLOG POST you'd ever written here. I have now succeeded, and plan to be a dedicated subscriber. I find it awkward that I know so much about you, and you are just now being notified of my existence. But, will you marry me?

Nessa said...

Ahahah i actually looked up who kenny loggins was, you never cease to make me look like an idiot as i sit alone laughing at my computer screen

Anonymous said...

bahahahha this is hilarious. A+ for the illustrations :) some of your best work

Jaron said...

My dad just emailed this to me. Hilarious! I laughed so hard I could barely read it. The drawings are perfect. I want to see the real video footage!!

Anonymous said...

love.

the_evil_moxy said...

So, I just spent the day reading your posts. All of your posts.

Like, back to the very beginning. I actually feel a bit like a creeper, but you're just so hysterical, I kept reading.

I hope you're not feeling stalked, even though the act of digging through a year and a half worth of blog posts has a bit of a cyber-stalk edge to it.

My friend just told me about your blog and I've got to say, I'm in love with it. (Although I feel as though that's demonstrated by the computer screen image that is now burned into my corneas [corneas? Oh who cares, I'm a polisci major. I don't need to know about silly things like eyes] because I spend all day reading your blog).

Annikki said...

hi, i just used the awesome button and it took me somewhere awesome indeed. :D thank you. :)

Nick said...

Keep doing this. Please!

Unknown said...

herp derp.
i think you should perform this in front of an audience of people who don't lke kenny loggins.

Rachel said...

Haha! This is wonderful; particularly the band aid Mary.

Rachel said...

Haha! This is wonderful; particularly the band aid Mary.

Tova said...

Mihi. Tihi. Hihi. Haha.
Aaaaaaw.

Anonymous said...

hilarious indeed. I love the face of serious-angry Allie!

Anonymous said...

"The violent blasphemy unfolding before them" THAT was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying so hard not to laugh too loudly in my cubicle!

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha! Your family (unsurprisingly) FTEpicW.

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for this... it is so good and authentic... it really made my day!!!

Nithya said...

That was so funny!!! I read it first half an hour ago and scared the dog with how loudly I was laughing. Just read it again and it was even funnier than I remembered.

Brighid said...

i made plenty of home
movies in my childhood, but never
with such a cast!

Tiffany said...

Absolutely hilarious! I'm a new follower & can't wait to read more; hopefully you'll stop by my blog soon! :) http://thenilsensnest.blogspot.com/

bloggerofwrath said...

Who is Kenny Loggins?
You're welcome.

y said...

...think I just caused myself internal damage by laughing too hard. Totally worth it though. HAPPY KENNYLOGGINSDAY TO YOU!

Jack said...

I really can't stop laughing. God, you're hysterical.

Anonymous said...

This was so utterly priceless. Thank you for it.

Anonymous said...

Another famous person that reads you http://docbrite.livejournal.com/762578.html

Anonymous said...

Wow, was this before or after the great Chuck Norris Internet Meme swept the world? If they invented it, then Chuck Norris needs to pay Kenny Loggins some royalties.

K said...

Thank you.

This post really made my day. Prior to it, I was feeling 'strapped to a chair, shot full of speed, and made to watch a documentary on snails'.

This caught the world up to my speed. :}

Anonymous said...

Hey Allie... I heard you like Kenny Loggins.

Madi said...

This was the first post I've read from you upon finding this gem of a site. I hardly ever verbally "LOL" at something, but this caught me by the throat, tackled me to the ground and choked me out until I laughed the entire post through. Thank you so mouch for existing and making the world a little bit happier.

Michael said...

Is it true that your momma don't dance?

Anonymous said...

Your thoughts remind me of my stepsister lol. She's the one who showed me ur blog. Its extremely hilarious and i'm telling everyone i know about it because this kind of stuff deserves to be known. i think you should write a book. i dont think i've ever laughed so hard about something i've seen online in my whole life. Ur definitly one of my all time writing-heros. These things make my day. Thanks for that :D HAPPY NEW YEAR

JohnF said...

If you haven't checked recently, "mandatory sex party" is up to 108 million hits. :D

Dianalynne said...

That was awesome...pure awesome...The sheer awesomeness of the story made my life 10x's more awesome.

LivFreeLaughOftenLoveMuch said...

I just voted for you for the 2011 blogger awards! good luck. it looks like you've got a good chance of winning in all of the categories youre nominated in so congrats.

Anonymous said...

This is wonderful. :) Made my day! Thanks Allie. U r simply priceless.
From a malayalee who keenly follow your blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi Allie, I'm a new devoted followed. So psyched to see the new post, I was worried the orcs got you for a minute there =) Please post more often, I'm helplessly addicted. Also, I've read the entire backlog of posts and need MOAR.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you manage to draw so hilariously! Seriously, the bits with "Mary" staring straight into the camera, it's practically soul-penetrating and freaky. I couldn't stop laughing! xD

Anonymous said...

ROTFL--thank you o THANK YOU, Allie, for bringing the wonder that is Kenny Logg--I mean, Jesus, to the holiday season!! One of my favorite blogs EVER!! :)

Jill said...

omggggg!!1! Drunken adults at Xmas FTW! Your mom trying to get all serious and the Kenny Loggins... I can't even... so awesome.

Anonymous said...

Wait, your Mom *filmed* this? Where is the converted to youtube video format please?

Umfufu said...

You are crazy... Just... crazy. Will you adopt me? Please?

CruiseControl said...

HEHEHEHEHE!! =D =D This was Awesome! LOL SOOO FUNNNYYYY.. It's like I can so see the "adult world" at the same time I understand all too well the "kids world" all at once LOL But then, maybe that's what makes it all so complimentary and funny :P =) God it's hilarious. This sort of stuff happens all the time - and sometimes I actually stop, observe, and catch the scenario for how absurdly funny it really is lol It has that sort of "South Park" humor heh heh

But one of my favorite parts, was the animation that went along perfectly with the story lol Seriously, the pictures and faces say it all ROFL This was hilarious - thanks :) :)

Dani said...

I *knew* the story was missing something XD.

The series of pics with your mom ane you is the most hilarious thing ever!

And now I fianlly know who sings "Footlose" lol. Next time I hear it on the radio I'll think of this and start laughing ^^.

Dani said...

Oh, btw, as of christmas this year I own a "Clean all the things" apron \o/

Unknown said...

So...wow! This is my first time reading this blog (I'm not a blog reader by nature). A friend of mine sends me links to all kinds of crap and it's generally funny so I followed her latest message here.

I started reading this and about a third of the way into it there were tears streaming down my face and I was having trouble breathing... I'm still not sure how I managed to finish reading it and I'm pretty sure I snorted a few times trying to draw breath through my laughter.

Anyhow I'm gonna wrap this up by saying it made my day. I expect I'll have plenty more opportunities to lavish you with praise as I plan to be stalking this blog on a regular basis from now on :) Thanks for a great laugh!

Mar said...

When I started reading there were only eight comments, now there are 1333 (probably hundreds are being written right now), that's AWESOME, anyway, thank you SO MUCH for cheering me up like that, oh, thank you for existing!

Anonymous said...

Hurry! Go to his wikipedia page! I changed for revenge!

Anonymous said...

Your family has a great sense of humor! I love it!

Kate said...

FIRST!
Hahahahah. Just kidding.

Caleb said...

Just checked K Loggins (K-Log is his rap name) on wikipedia. No update yet.

Come on, people.

Anonymous said...

I genuinely feared for my life while reading this.

Christy said...

This makes me incredibly happy.
i also totally tried to direct plays with my relatives. I remember doing hansel and gretel with my cousins.

I really enjoyed this!

Anonymous said...

This totally made my day!

Anonymous said...

I love how you made your aunt and grandma alcoholic gypsies... my favorite part is the 'no 20...NO.. A MILLION' .. I was in tears..

AuntBaba said...

this is the first time I have read your post but as Kenny Loggins is my witness I will NEVER miss a post again! Hand to Kenny Loggins!

Grubenschnitzel said...

grubenschnitzel

Grubenschnitzel said...

grubenschnitzel

Sophia said...

New meme- Kenny Loggins facts.

This needs to happen. Now.

Make it happen.

Maggie said...

I am laughing so hard that I am choking and trying remember where I left my inhaler..... maybe I should go and find it now....


Phew. That's better. I think I have to go back and read this again. I may have been laughing/coughing/choking so hard that I missed some things. :)

Bluestalking said...

Allie - My daughter is an Allie, too! Only, an Allison, not Alexandra. I'm new to your blog and went back to the beginning. Read your drunk post today. You've inspired me! Maybe I'll try that, though I hate alcohol, too. Adore you and thanks for being your wonderful self. The world needs people like you. :-)

ash said...

I'm a little late but... THIS was a Christmas story I would enjoy hearing year after year! Hilarious and I love it.
And with this post, as if I were denying it previously, I've decided you're my straight girl crush. Yep, pretty much.

Anonymous said...

I love it! As usual! Even without the Simple Dog!

However, I do wonder -- as I often do -- when the word "religious" became kind of a catch-all, when it seems pretty clear the word "Christian" in this case is what's called for.

You know who wouldn't use a generic noun when a more specific proper noun was available?

...

Kenny Loggins.

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I second that you should post the film to YouTube.

A said...

you posted this on my birthday, which was in fact my 21st on the 21st... also if you may know the first time in a kajillion (over 300) years that a full moon lunar eclipse and the winter solstice were occurring on the same night.

which means this post is full of magic, and im full of useless facts.

(p.s. what an excellent birthday present from you)

Chatnoire said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chatnoire said...

My friend sent me the link to your "This is why I'll Never be an Adult" post last semester while I was crashing after a "clean ALL the things!" moment, and I've been hooked ever since.

This post made me laugh so hard I cried. I'm sure you get that a lot =)

I'm pretty sure you've conquered the internet. And Jesus. And Kenny Loggins.

Blue said...

I think the reason you can only post once a month or so is because it takes so long to read all your comments!

You really are adorable. I can't get enough of your blog (yes, I stalked it back to the start. Pathological.)

Happy New Year! ♥

AlyssaMarie said...

ALLIE!
There is only one post for December. :( Have you left us?

Charlie and Kathryn said...

KEENNY LOGGINS!

Anonymous said...

So.. I pretty much didn't know you existed until a few nights ago. My friend Lana decided she (who had only just discovered you as well) was going to run around Facebook, screaming out "KENNY LOGGINS" and projectile vomiting your urls into my eyes.

Oddly, this had no affect, until, via YIM, I was abruptly forced (tricked) into clicking on your link. I ignored the latest post, upon seeing the words God of Cake. At the point of time I actually finished that post, we both yelled CAKE! (Odd how you can yell over IMs..) and concurrently. Began molesting each other with more links to more posts on your blog. As a result of this, and her growing obsession of laughing so desperately that she snorts much like a baby pig, the following conversation occurred.

Me: Doesn't this make us like, in some way, crazed, overly-obs essive stalker/creepers with no life so we need someone to make us constantly laugh till we die in a puddle of our own laugh-drool? <.<
Lana: IF I WERE TO PICK ONE WAY TO GO, DROWNING IN ALLIE-INSPIRED LAUGH DROOL WOULD BE THE TOP OF MY LIST.


Be proud. The laugh drool you induce from us will someday kill us, and though we more than likely won't be thinking clear enough to know it, we are perfectly fine with that.<3

Anonymous said...

Every word Kay says is true. *Points to the comment above.* I have been shamelessly screaming KEEENNNYYYY LOGGGIINNNSSSS at anybody who will listen (even if unwillingly) ever since I stumbled upon your blog a few nights ago.

Seriously. If I -could- pick one way to die, drowning in Allie-inspired laugh drool would be it.

(I'm so glad that the things I say tickle people so effectively. He posted that comment on Facebook, too.)

By the way. ALLIE YOUR BLOG IS THE GREATEST EVER AND I REALLY NEARLY DID DIE DROWNING IN ALLIE-INSPIRED LAUGH DROOL WHEN I READ ABOUT KENNY LOGGINS.

OMGCAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS

felixhcat said...

Bahaha! Amazingly funny your stories are.

Harpa Jónsdóttir said...

Almost too funny.

Unknown said...

Holy shit. Tears are streaming down my face I am laughing so hard I can't take it. Your mom and dad, though nothing like my mom and dad, are a lot like myself and my husband. That is beyond hysterical.

Japanese Bird said...

Hi Ally, I mean Allie (please don't eat me for spelling it wrong, I was just waving and saying hi to the person behind you whose name is All-with-a-y)

Anyway I wanted to let you know that my boyfriend got me an 'ALOT' t-shirt (got it shipped all the way to Perth, Australia) and that I sleep in it every night because it is that cool.

My dad wants to show his students (he is a high-school teacher) the Alot blog post because so many of them don't know the difference between a lot/alot.

Example: There is a lot of Alots over there.

All the best, T.

Anonymous said...

I laughed SOOO hard!! Thanks, I needed that :DD

Kimgerly said...

The baby Jesus projectile launch birth was 'precious.'

Pablo said...

"More band-aids." That could definitely be dropped at the climax of a dramatic movie. Choice.

sadi said...

I have tears running down my cheeks! Thank you, that story was hilarious!!!

sadi said...

I guess we all know what to send Allie for Christmas next year....hahaha!!

Unknown said...

I agree with you and support your warped behavior.

Leigh said...

WOW, this story confirms it. You are my hero. Thank you. and I never cared for KennyLoggins anyway.

Eh-Dub said...

BEST!
I nearly pee'd myself, I love your blog!
Thanks for the christmas cheer Allie!

Dina said...

"Oh look! I DID have another baby! And the baby is SANTA!" I love your comics they are so hilarious and the drawings are just so cute they always brighten my day when I read them. Keep up the hilarious work!

dollface said...

i know my comment will probably get lost in the fray but i just wanted to know that every time i read your blog it makes my day ^^

Alexis said...

LOVE the wasted, camel-brushing, gypsy-wearing, forgetting-about-Jesus wise men!! My chest hurts from laughing-have a GREAT 2011 Allie!!

Anonymous said...

I love your family. Thanks. I hope they are all doing well wherever they are.

I agree you must upload this. The world deserves to see it.

Taylor said...

I have now learned of the greatness of Kenny Loggins because of you. Thank you.

Taylor said...

I have now learned of the greatness of Kenny Loggins because of you. Thank you.

Ms. Lemon said...

Brilliant.

I cried happy tears. I really did LOL.

Anonymous said...

Allie, Your blog ALWAYS makes me laugh, even at times when I don't know if I could laugh. Thank you so much.
Jenna at Peaceful Vitality
peacefulvitality.wordpress.com

Aashni said...

Hey, I'm visiing from icecaves.net, voting on their site! Here's what I wrote about you!

Wow. This is truly one of the most entertaining blogs I have read in a LONG time! Definitely one that I plan on coming back to! I really enjoyed the cartoons that you added into it! It kept me interested in the article, since I wanted to see what would come next! I love all the expressions you gave to the characters! How long does it take you to do one post?

Your blogs are truly amazing! KEEP IT UP!

camila said...

just finished reading everything on your blog, now what I am supposed to read while I should be working?

please excuse my bad english...

Anonymous said...

Kenny Loggins doens't need light. He stares at dark and it moves out of his way

Unknown said...

Genuinely Admire your work, thanks for brightening up my christmas

Heather Peden said...

That was fantastic. Funniest thing I've read/seen in a while. Hilarious. Thanks!

If I were God... said...

Now Kenny Loggins is suddenly going to get googled a lot and get a surge of sales on iTunes (a surge for him at this point being 6-7/month), but no one will know why. Wikipedia says his last appearance was singing 'Footloose' on Don't Forget the Lyrics in '08. -so it can't be that! He might think it's leftover Christmas magic or even believe his career is reviving. When it doesn't... revenge is yours.

Scritches.com said...

Just when I think you can't beat the previous post, you do. Hysterical!!!

brenda said...

I have tears streaming down my face again! You are hilarious and I love your artwork! Oh my God you are too funny. Truly one of the best holiday gifts of the year.

Unknown said...

Wow. Please leave a warning at the top of the screen to not read this at work.

I was cracking up so hard I was crying at my desk and everybody is looking at me funny now.

like...

KENNEEEEEEEEEEYYY LOOGGGGGIIIIIIIIINNNNSSSS

AverageMusings said...

I think I just busted my stomach from laughing so hard. Thank you for making me so, so much happier than I was before. Merry Christmas, Allie!

Georgette said...

Even though I read this AFTER Christmas, I think it is great and it should be a story told all year long.

I am going to recommend this to my pastor.

Sarah said...

Ok, seriously, Allie, you need to keep doing what you do because it's making my day!! You are a great writer and a wonderful illustrator and you combine the two so well. I am a big fan!

C. E. Dodson said...

Hi Allie!

I just wanted to say that I've been reading your blog for the past few months and I finally made it all the way through to your first post today. It was an awe-inspiring trip back in time, sort of like playing Oregon Trail backwards, where you start in Oregon and have all these pioneer-like adventures on your way to some nameless town and...wait a minute...I just realized you now live in Oregon...so it was EXACTLY like playing Oregon Trail backwards! Wow. That was an unexpected parallel. Anyway, my friends and I absolutely love you -- seriously, we are huge fans and quote your witty Allie-isms as though you were a classic film. Keep up the awesome work!!! :D

All the best,
Caitlin

Jennifer said...

My sides are hurting. I literally cried with laughter. Thank you for being such a funny, talented lady.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Laughing out loud - I loooooves the drawings!

Anonymous said...

...Call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the danger zone!

Xtina said...

Funniest. Post. EVER!

Cate B. said...

So first off let me say your post gotme through this past semester so...thanks! I read this yesterday and sent it to my dad today... I thought it was funny initially my dad not so much at first. Apparently for him to find it funny it must be read out loud because when my mom read it out load we all were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. So thank you Allie for making our day a lot brighter!!!!!!!!!

Raven said...

Baby Jesus and baby Santa, this post is a Christmas miracle!

MadMadchen said...

I just read through your blog.

Yes, all of it. And I read through the roommate posts 1-3 in the correct order by dint of being anal retentive.

You've been told before, but in case you get to read through all 1398 (and counting) comments- you aren't alone in a lot of your self-perceived flaws. The grocery store IS an ordeal, and even some of us without ADD/ADHD/Ooooh Shiny Syndrome have horrible self-esteem for little reason and a horrible time accomplishing real-life things. Go you for at least being able to write about this! I have started two innocuous cooking blogs and haven't even been able to bring myself to follow through with either of them.

Maybe someday I will pick them back up and be able to tell you to go look at what I did. Until then keep it up!

-C

PS. Here are a couple extra spaces for you since you like them so much: <-- There, see? Spaces! For after periods!

PPS. It occurred to me that I'd really love to know how you feel about the Oxford comma.

PPPS. Madmadchen = Mad Madchen, madchen being the improperly punctuated German, so it comes out something like Crazy Lady, I'm not sure what I was thinking there but I'll come up with something better late. Everyone thinks it has something to do with anime... and it doesn't.

MadMadchen said...

Awwww maaaan. The spaces didn't hold up. Stupid commenting system. I did put them in there for you.

Wesley Ryan Grace said...

This was incredibly funny. The pictures and the story together...ah I laughed so hard. Thank you kindly.

manda said...

baby jesus totally looks like the blue badger from the phoenix wright gamges =P even the same shade of blue

Anonymous said...

I laughed until I squeaked, as usual.

CB said...

I've read this several times and I can't stop crying-laughing each and every time. So funny - so brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Never commented here before, but I've read all your stuff and you are hilarious. Keep being awesome. I can never, ever look at your comics without laughing my ass off.

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